琪蹟333

倫倫,
從今天開始,不如我用英文來這裡留言...因為首先中文不是我的強項還有我想從新開始新的一頁....

Today, It was just a normal day.  I came back from school and went online as usual.  For some reason, I feel really empty this year, like I'm missing something inside me.  More like, there's a hole that I cant find a way to fill.  I thought of all the possibilities, maybe stress, maybe it's just that I'm growing up and the warmth inside my heart just disappeared.  It's not a good feeling I can tell you, it's more like my motivation is gone.  I feel like I lost all my "hope" that I had for that past 2 and 1/2 years since you were gone.  I was scared. Really scared.  I asked myself, "Why am I feeling this way??" For the past two and a half years, my motivation came from my family, my goals, Buddha, and you.  And you, 倫倫, is a really really big part of my motivation.  You're like the fireplace in my heart, warming up me when I feel cold inside or when I'm hit by a really big blizzard.  I was scared of losing "you".  The "you" in my heart, the "you" that motivates me, the "you" that taught me so many things....It's maybe because I don't put enough time on you anymore, and I feel really bad for it.  The guilt in me has built up so high that I feel like I don't deserve to be you "fan" anymore.  In my opinion, I feel like this emptiness in myself is my penalty for leaving you out of my life for so long.  Why am I finally back here?  Maybe it's because I don't want this emptiness to completely fill me and I need your help.  And I think this is the only way to fill my hole back in again.  So lets just call this therapy. 倫倫's Therapy Day 1.

I'm still trying really hard in school.  Cause I never forgot about my promise to you, to live an awesome life for you.  It's been torturing though and its really worn me out.  Competition in school is so great that I don't even think a 4.0 is enough. Now that's what I call insane.  As we get older, happiness does get harder to reach, especially when you want to accomplish big things in life.  I'm not depressed or anything like that, I just feel like this journey is REALLY hard and it's so tiring.  I just need someone to complain all this too and someone who I can spill all my deepest feelings to. Of course, that someone would be,倫倫, you.  So I'll have my "stress" therapy starting from today to track my emotions.  Lets see how long I can do this for...hehe...

Results for My Day:
"Happy" Percent: 68%
"Stress" Percent: 75%
Thing that I'm most looking forward to now: "2012" (The movie) and WEEKEND!!!
What's stressing my out? My chem quiz on Thursday and English test next week.
Interesting moment/thing of my day: First day of term 2 and I switched out of a psychology into child development!

11/09/09 9:11 p.m

琪蹟333

倫倫,
Today was an okay day. I still have a homework that I have to catch up on and do but for some reason, I'm not too stressed yet maybe because I don't have any tests or quizzes tomorrow.  So I'm pretty sure I'll be super super stressed tomorrow night because I have a history test and chem quiz on Thursday.  Otherwise, I came home from school, went straight to volunteering, which actually went pretty well.  After that, I came home and now I'm online.  I don't have that much to say today.

Therapy Day #2 Results:
"Happy" Radar: 80%
Stressed Radar: 75%
Interesting Moment of the Day: Figured out how much I hate my "Child Development" class since I know no one in there.  It's just horrible.

11/10/09 8:51 p.m

琪蹟333

倫倫,
Happy Birthday!!!!!!! Thank goodness I found time to leave a post here today, or else I would have missed it! Anyways, how are you doing now? Did you celebrate in wherever you are? I'm sure you did, you're such a great person, I bet you met lots of new friends.  It's a Friday! I'm very happy, not about school or anything, just plain glad it's the weekend.  Sorry, for not being able to leave a comment these past 2 days, I've been really busy with homework.  But once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I love you now and always will, hope you're having a great time in heaven.   

9:51 p.m 11/13/09

琪蹟333

倫倫,
Today was just a bad day.  I had two really important tests, calc and chem, where I did horribly bad on.  It was just horrible. And yes, its making me depressed.  I'm just mad at myself. REALLY REALLY mad. I want to cry but I just cant for some god dang reason.  I think I've just lost it.  I really cant stand this crap anymore, why is this year so torturing??  

Therapy Day 3
Happy: 50%
Stress: 75%
Sad/Disappointment: 99%
Only thing that's cheering me up: New Moon comes out in 3 days!!! and I got my tickets today!!

琪蹟333

倫倫,
I haven't came here for a long time.  I'm really really sorry.  God, how many times do i have to apologize because i don't keep my promises??  I guess I'm just one bad bad person. haha...
Anyways, I'm on winter break now!!! I'm really really happy and really enjoying every second of it as much as possible.  It snowed almost a foot here yesterday so its a very very very white Christmas.  How about you?  Is it snowing where you are?
I'm in a very lost mode now, I want to just forget everything but I have so many important things I have to do that I cant ignore.  What am I supposed to do?  Ah, screw it, I'm just going to enjoy my break now.  That's a good idea right??!!
"Merry Christmas!!"  Thank you for being part of my life, it means so much to me.  And for the Therapy session, now looking back at it, I don't think I'll do it anymore.  Probably because I understand now that what matters is not how much I'm stressed out today, but what matters is how much I'm happy tomorrow.  It may not make sense to anyone else, but thats ok, at least it makes sense to me.  And yes, I understand I am such an inconsistent person. hehe, i'll try to work on that.  Once again, "Merry Christmas!"

11:20 p.m 12-24-09

琪蹟333

倫倫,
It's still December 31st over here!! I just wanted to say Happy New Year to you!!  A new year, a new decade, a new start.  A lot happened this past ten years. Knowing you was one of the most important things that happened in this decade.  Thank you for teaching me so much.  Really.  Anyways, Happy New Year once again, and I hope you enjoy every second wherever you are. 2010, here we come!!!

12/31/2009 11:06 p.m

琪蹟333

倫倫,
今天我90歲的婆婆走了, 去了和你一樣的地方了....
本來是載著媽媽一起去看婆婆的,可是開到一半的時候就接到電話說婆婆走了.
我忍住眼淚, 因為我不想讓我媽媽擔心,也不想讓我媽媽更難過, 可是一到了婆婆的家,我看見媽媽紅了眼眶,我的眼淚就不控制的掉下來...
其是婆婆走對婆婆因該是好事,因為婆婆這兩個禮拜真的撐得很幸苦了,婆婆也曾說過希望菩薩能夠帶她走...
我們都感受到婆婆的痛,也不想讓他那麼幸苦了,
可是我們真的好捨不得她喔...
我一出生,婆婆就是我唯一的grandparent, 爺爺,奶奶,公公早就去世了,
因此,我和婆婆的感情更深厚...我媽媽就不用說了,常常打電話,帶婆婆到外面吃東西,逛街,他們的感情真的很好很好...
在我印象中,婆婆是一個非常非常可愛又聰明的老人家, 雖然90歲了,可是每一次看見她的時候,她總會很開心的大笑.
我們一家人在講話的時候, 她總是會說一些很幽默的東西去虧我的叔叔,阿姨,逗得我們全家人都很開心...
記得有一次, 我叔叔問了大家一個IQ問題,
沒有一個人能回答得出來, 當所有人都想不到的時候,婆婆竟然想到答案!!

我會永遠的懷念她....永遠懷念她的笑容,她的幽默,她的可愛...
我真的好捨不得,好捨不得她喔...

婆婆, 一路好走, 我很榮幸能夠當你的孫女...在天國的時候,要快樂喔, 我們一家人都會永遠記得妳...


1/18/2010 9:35 p.m

琪蹟333

倫倫,
我終於來了!! 好久好久沒來這裡了!!
這兩個月有好多東西忙喔, 可是現在比較好了! 終於讀完chemistry了!!
其實那一個class還好, 只是那老師實在太嚴格了, 而且還常常恐嚇我們...所以啊,班上沒一個人都不敢不做功課的...
哈哈, 這樣她也算是一個好老師吧...
現在課程比較容易了, 只有3班是難的, 沒有那麼大壓力了!
可是我今年的節日都過的超爛的!!
2010年新年的時候, 在網路上和一個朋友度過,
新春新年的時候連年夜飯也沒得吃, 情人節就不用說了, 沒有情人怎麼慶祝阿!!
我生日,萬聖節,和聖誕也一樣...
唉, 我想大家也太忙了啦...沒心情跟我過節日...
倫倫,你的節日有過的好不好呢?! 至少一定過的比我好吧! 不然就真的很慘!! 哈..

7:10 p.m 03/01/2010

琪蹟333

倫倫,
記得上個禮拜夢到妳了ㄟ!! 好久好久沒夢到了..
夢中,我是在一個停車場看妳拍"惡男宅急電", 好像我有機會和妳一起拍還是什麼的...
妳當是很美,而我也好像知道你已經裡開了..
謝謝妳給我這個夢, 讓我再次能看到天使的樣子!
妳現在好嗎?! 還在修行嗎?
現在常看到妳好姊妹丞琳的消息喔,我想妳看到她越來越成功也替她很高興吧!
最近的我,也還在努力者學業那一方面...大家一起加油吧!!

7:01 p.m 03/17/2010

p.s 差點忘了, 今天是ST.Patricks Day, 台灣有這個嗎?還是只有美國有? 反正就是 Happy St. Patricks Day啦!!

[ 本帖最後由 琪蹟333 於 2010-3-17 18:04 編輯 ]

琪蹟333

倫倫,
我終於來了, 最近好多好多考試要準備所以比較忙了一點...
現在還是很忙,可是今天好想好想和妳說說話...

今天,我有個朋友/學長走了,
在第一堂課的時候, 老師就跟我們說,我那位同學昨天在家自殺走了...
學校裡好多同學都崩潰了, 我也是憋住才不哭的...不過還是流了幾滴眼淚...
你也知道, 我不愛在家人,朋友面前哭...
才18歲, 還有一個半月就要畢業了, 真的想不到他會選擇離開...
記得學校第一學期的時候, 我和他有在人體同一班, 所以那時候跟他還蠻要好的,
我記憶中的他是一個很聰明, 很愛笑的人,
每次我們這班女生不知道一個答案的時候, 就會大叫他的名字, 因為他總會知道...
所以我總叫他是我的anatomy buddy~
可是現在, 他怎麼離開了呢?!
我好想他, 總覺得這不是事實...
那麼開朗的人, 這麼會想不開呢?!
雖然跟他不是超級好朋友, 可是朋友是一輩子的, 就算很短暫,很普通, 我也會永遠記住他的笑容...
倫倫, 如果在天國看到eric, 請幫我告訴他, 他的朋友, 家人都好想他, 好愛他, 也要他在天國過的快樂....
R.I.P Eric, you were a GREAT person. I'll miss you.

9:10 p.m 4/21/2010

琪蹟333

倫倫,
我又一個朋友選擇離開了....不到兩個月就失去了兩個好朋友...
本來以為等放學以後才有空跟你聊聊天, 可是今天,我真得受不了了...
她走了, chelsea走了...
eric跟她是從小就認識, 然後之後在高中2年也交往, 雖然之後分手了可是他們都是彼此為靈魂伴侶~
記得eric離開的時候,是chelsea笑著對大家說,"Its going to be ok"
她真的很堅強, 大家雖然哭著, 但她總是會帶著笑容去鼓勵我們....
我真的想不到, 真的想不到,為什麼,為什麼....
妳不是答應過eric要好好照顧大家的嗎?!
妳不是說過,"everything will be ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end."
妳怎麼會這樣對我們呢? 妳怎麼捨得阿? 還有7天就畢業了, 為什麼要離開啊?!
我捨不得妳, 捨不得妳的擁抱, 妳的笑容, 妳的善良, 妳的真...

妳和eric一樣, 都是很愛笑的人, 我永遠都不會忘了妳有多堅強,有多善良, 有多美麗...
妳現在終於能夠和eric一起了, 你們這對好朋友/soulmates, 在天國一定要快樂
記得, 我們都很愛很愛你們, 我相信有一天,我們會再碰面的

Chelsea, I'll never forget your hug that you gave me the last time I saw you.  I'll never forget the smile you gave me when we all needed it.  I don't think I'll ever understand but you're with Eric now and I know that's what you want.  You guys were really really great people and I'll miss you both so much.
We ALL love you both SOO MUCH SO MUCH. RIP Chelsea

11:28 p.m 6/1/2010

琪蹟333

倫倫,
我終於來了, 放暑假至今都還沒跟妳說過話...
上個禮拜去了madison去看大學也看我姐, 現在終於回來了, 感覺真好.
這個月發生了一件對我來說很重要的事, 自從妳走了之後,好久都沒感受到心痛, 現在我又感受到了..
哭了好多次, 但始終要面對, 妳教我的,生命是寶貴的,不要為某一件事情擊敗.
雖然心還是酸酸的,but I promise, I'll be fine..

昨天突然我姐提起妳了, 說原來妳已經離開三年了,
我們在描述我們當天哭的有多厲害, 有多傷心...
我從來不跟家人提起過妳有多麼的影響我,
所以當他們主動提起妳的時候, 我都會裝作若無其事, 但心裡是痛的.
昨天終於不一樣了, 姐姐突然提起妳的時候, 心裡有揪一下, 但接下來的感覺是好的, 是懷念的, 而不再是悲傷的..
很感謝我姐沒有忘了妳...

明天就是July 4th了, 我們這邊國慶, 會燒烤啊, 放超多煙花的,
因該會是個很快樂的日子, 倫倫,妳也要快樂喔!
雖然我不常來, 但我心裡從沒忘記過...希望妳能體諒!
要去睡了, 愛妳喔~

1:08 a.m 7/3/2010 & 7/4/2010

琪蹟333

倫倫,
好久不談...哈哈, 好爛喔.
最近一個月來, 沒發生什麼特別的事, 只是一直在擔心上大學的事.
前幾天, 我翻開了我前幾年些的日記, 重看以前的一些事情和執著.
那種感覺很好玩, 就像我已經忘了那件事情了, 可是心裡的感覺是記得的. 感覺很唯妙.
好像有些事情不是用腦袋去記得,而使用心去感受/記得的.
對妳的事情也是一樣.

妳離開快4年了, 我也終於能面對自己心裡對妳的感受了.
就在今天, 跟妳說說老實話吧~
這兩年來, 說實話, 不知道為什麼覺得我和妳的距離拉的越來越遠, 而且發現自己對妳的感覺是有變的.
一開始當然是難過, 悲傷,不捨, 但過了一年後,發現傷口並沒有那麼痛了,
以為傷口漸漸消失是好的, 可是心裡突然就有種罪惡感,
覺得, 不再痛, 就會很快忘記妳. 我不是超人, 所以我很怕我真的有一天會忘了.
我不想再想像我是有多麼的偉大了, 我在騙誰啊.
重頭到尾, 我都是一直說服我自己說,"我不可以忘記倫倫" 所以跟你聊天的時候就會製造一些我對妳的一些承諾.
是壞事嗎? 不是. 只是我現在不想再騙我自己和妳了.
我最近一直在想, 為什麼我不能像三年前一樣每天對妳留言呢? 為什麼心裡開始消失那種暖暖的感覺呢? 為什麼我心裡對妳的感覺有拉的越來越遠呢?
原來答案是這兩年來我不再對妳誠實了, 心裡的話都不敢對妳說了.
我好懷念以前, 我對妳好無保留的關係, 那時覺得和妳說話是一種抒發,而不是像這年來想證明我還是愛妳的.

愛會一直存在的, 只是是份量多少的問題而已.
我對妳坦承是因為我想回到最初愛"許瑋倫"的自己.
現在面對了, 坦承了, 心裡真的舒服很多了.
感覺很微妙喔, 妳信不信我真的突然覺得我和妳的距離變少了.
從今以後, 我會盡力對妳只說心裡的話, 不再隱瞞了.
我不知道我還會愛你多久, 我也不能答應能愛你多少, 我現在只可以說,
在我一生中愛妳的時間時, 我會用盡我所有去愛, 不再對妳保留了.

說了那麼久, 妳明白我想表達什麼嗎? 哈, 我中文不是強項, 所以看不懂的話希望妳不要怪我!
反正就是我想通了, 壓力減少了, 我心和妳距離拉近了.
謝謝倫倫, 我會加油的.
最後, 還是那句, 要快樂和幸福喔~

11:57 a.m 8/22/2010

琪蹟333

倫倫,
hi!! 我真的來了! 連續兩天留言, 因該有破我今年的紀錄吧?! 哈哈
今天這裡好熱鬧喔, 好多人發貼, 也有很多人來這裡鼓勵我, 謝謝大家. 倫迷互相支持真的很感動. =D

好啦, 跟妳說說今天發生了什麼事吧!
今天早上的時候,在網路上看到香港遊客在菲律賓的事, 看完真的好難過,又好憤怒.
之後和爸爸討論了一整天. 大部分的時間都在談football. 因為我超男孩子頭的, 超愛運動又愛車.
我有跟妳說過嗎, 我超愛看football的, 不是足球喔, 是american football.
我啊, 支持我州的team支持的超瘋狂的, 去年輸了nfc championship之後, 我都不知道哭了多久. 很幼稚嗎?! 哈
我們這team打了50年, 都沒贏過一次superbowl, 不是因為我們打得不好, 而是因為我們就差那麼一點運氣.
不知道是誰下了詛咒, 每次打到最後, 就會輸.
可是我從來沒放棄過, 我總覺得, 老天不會那麼殘忍的, 一定會讓我們贏一次的.
就是因為這個想法, 害的我去年那麼傷心.
我將全部的心投入進去, 卻一年又一年的將我的希望打碎, 咳, 那種感覺超痛的.
我爸笑我會不會太誇張了, 可是是真的. 我哭了好久喔.
可是我就是愛這個過程, 蠻變態的喔, 哈, 明知道可能會受很大的傷, 卻不理, 因為有一部分的自己在說,"這次會不一樣的"...
最後呢, 我爸和我的conclusion是人本身是賤的, 很會自找麻煩/痛苦.
不只看football, 談戀愛, 做什麼決定都是一樣.
我爸和我以前超friend的, 現在我和媽媽比較close, 可能女人比較懂女人吧.
不過幸好我爸和我都愛看football, 只要一談football, 就能談幾個小時.
大部分時間都是我講啦, 妳知道男人的表達能力沒女人好嘛. 媽媽是這樣說的. 哈
不過就算爸爸不是說很多, 他願意聽我講幾個小時我都已經覺得很棒了.

最後, 倫, 我最近很愛問身邊的人一個很有趣的問題喔, "每個人在每個人心中都有一定的分數, 那當你遇見一個妳從沒看過的人的時候, 妳會先把他列為100分然後開始慢慢扣, 還是先把他列為0分然後之後慢慢加?"
我是先100分那個. 是樂觀還是悲觀呢? 咳, 我都不是很清楚~

好的, 今天所講的這一部分的我, 我因該沒跟妳說過吧, 有無聊到妳嗎?
如果有的話, sorry啦, 不過妳還是得聽...哈
ok, 我要去睡了, 晚安!

11:54 p.m 8/23/2010

[ 本帖最後由 琪蹟333 於 2010-8-23 22:56 編輯 ]

琪蹟333

倫倫,
我終於有時間上來了, 上個禮拜真是忙死我了.
每天早上7點多就起床,晚上10點才回家.
幸好現在忙完了, 會有時間常來的. 這幾天在忙學校的事, 又要拍照,又要去orientation.
而且, 上個禮拜三, 我的一個堂哥來我家住了, 他剛剛移民, 所以又要招呼他.
生活有多了一個人了. 有點不習慣.
最近還是在煩惱學校的事, 下個禮拜就要開學了, 超納悶的.
今天知道有一個同學得血癌了, 雖然不認識, 可是大家同一個學校,同一個班級,都會覺得難過.
我常想, 其實,世界是公平的嗎?
一個好好的17歲女生, 為什麼要得這種病呢?
世界上那麼多壞人,為什麼他們又能逍遙法外呢?
倫倫,你那麼完美的一個女生, 為什麼要那麼早離開呢?
我不懂.
我跟我爸說我不相信命運, 因為我不相信所有東西都是set好的.
可是當這種意外發生的事後, 我又該相信什麼呢? 難道相信這是人為的?
還是那句, 我不懂.

8/30/2010 3:58p.m